Celebrate With Me
As I sit here writing this on the eve of my 47th birthday, I am filled with mixed emotions … I feel relief, sadness, gratitude and joy.
Mom died when she was 46 years old, and for as long as I can remember, I have been afraid that I wouldn’t make it past my 46th year. When you are 14 and you lose your Mom, being 46 seems so far away and it also seemed old at the time.
Tonight I feel relieved. It’s hard to explain why I have had these feelings, I really don’t fully understand it myself. Maybe because she died so suddenly … she was literally here one week and gone the next.
I remember Dad telling me that my Mom always had this fear of dying young … so perhaps I took on that fear after she was gone.
Whatever the reason, I have spent way too much time worrying about being the same age she was and if I would make it past that.
Tonight I also feel sad. It makes me sad because it seems like she was cheated. I spent a lot of time this past year thinking about what it would be like to lose your life at the age of 46 and it still seems surreal to me. Gosh, there are days that I think my life is just starting now …
Tonight I feel grateful. Creating Mom Loss Survivors has helped me find my own way past the pain and connecting, sharing and meeting other Daughters who have lost their Mom has given me hope that together we can find our way back to happy.
And lastly, tonight I feel joyful. Joyful that, even though Mom may have died much too young, she filled those 46 years with more love, friendship, laughter and hugs than some people do in a lifetime and I feel joyful that I have the opportunity to do the exact same thing. What’s more, I am joyful I had 14 wonderful years with her and a lifetime of memories to cherish.
If Mom were here now and heard that I had spent so much time worrying about being the same age she was when she lost her life … she would sit me down, give me the serious Mom stare and she would say four things. I share one of them here this week and the remaining three in next week’s blog post.
The one for this week is:
Have faith. Yes, faith … whatever that looks like, faith that there is more than this one life. Faith that there is nothing I cannot handle, faith that I am loved.
In my 47th year, please know I am glad YOU are here and I invite you to celebrate with me.
Embrace the relief. Experience the sadness. Stand in a place of gratitude. Join me in feeling joyful.
So much love,
2 comments on “Celebrate With Me”
You and I share a great deal. Both our mothers died at 46. I turned 46 years ago but I remember clearly believing I would not live beyond that age. I think, in part, it was because my mom was my model for how to be. My model for how to live, age, be productive and happy ended at 46. It felt so lonely to go it alone.
But you make it clear that we are not alone. You know what your mom would say to you right now. And, I know what my mom would say. Their love continues to live in our souls and guide us.
Happy Birthday Jenn. Thank you for your courage to face the pain of your loss and share your wisdom on healing with me and so many others who lost their mom.
Marilyn, you have captured my experience within your own … thank you for that. I love when you said ‘My model for how to live, age, be productive and happy ended at 46.’ as that is exactly how have I felt all these years.
Thank you for walking this walk with me, for letting your strength, love and friendship carry and guide me. I am profoundly grateful that we are finding our way past the pain together. Thank you.❤️